I forgot to watch Grey's this week.

And I work tonight, so tragically I wont be able to watch the rerun on ABC tonight. Why me? :P

*dies a little inside*

Oh Dashboard Confessional, you always know how to put certain feelings into beautiful context.

Now to perform a few excellent surgeries before rewatching Psych lectures.

*twirl*

Should I be stressed that I havent even started studying for my Human Rights exam tomorrow?

Probably should be concerned... But I made the mistake of renting "Trauma Center: Second Opinion" for the Wii on Monday night and, well... I'm an addict. I save lives! :D

However I've blown up a conference center about 12 times now. Can't diffuse one frakking bomb.

hahaha insane much?

Looooosing it.

*hums*

Yes indeed it does seem that the Christmas season is fast approaching, despite the fact that stores have had their decorations up since November 1st, most of us are only now jumping aboard the yuletide bandwagon.

I could wax poetic about seeing the lights of my fellow Residence students' windows lit up with lights and holiday cheer, or the girls in my hall roaming rampant with spray can snow hat smells revolting and insisting they spray it on every available window surface.

But I will not.

I didn't ask for your help.

Call me picky, call me selfish, but it can't be you.

It can never be you.

I hate how you make me feel a hundred things at once and none of them good.

Why can't there be someone real? Someone tangible?

Ask me why it could never be you.

Happy New Year people!

Narnia is my new god!

*twirl*

Yay for time and a half.

:)

...

Yeah, energy. Go figure. :D:D

[ ] stayed single
[x] got kissed
[x] kissed someone new
[x] made out
[x] made out in a car
[x] kissed in the snow
[x] kissed in the rain
[x] fell in love
[ ] fell in love with a fool
[ ] had my heart broken
[ ] broke someone else's heart
[ ] had a stalker
[x] had a good relationship with someone
[ ] questioned my sexual orientation
[ ] came out of my closet
[ ] got pregnant
[ ] had an abortion
[ ] got married
[ ] had a divorce
[ ] kissed someone of the same sex
[x] dated someone that I will never forget
[x] did something I regret
[ ] lost my true love
[ ] lost faith in love
[ ] kissed under mistletoe
[ ] got a promotion
[ ] got a pay raise
[x] changed jobs
[ ] lost my job
[ ] quit my job
[ ] dated a co-woker
[ ] dated my boss
[ ] dated my boss's son/daughter
[ ] got fired from my job
[ ] got straight A's
[x] met a teacher who I became friends with
[x] met a teacher who I really hate
[x] found the subject I love
[ ] failed a class
[ ] cut class
[ ] skipped school
[x] got in a fight with a classmate
[x] did something I was proud of
[x] discovered a new talent
[x] proved myself an idiot
[x] embarrassed myself in front of the class
[ ] fell in love with a teacher
[ ] got the lead role in the school play
[ ] made a varsity team
[x] was involved in something that I will never forget
[x] painted a picture
[x] wrote a poem
[ ] ran a mile
[x] listened to music I couldn't stand
[x] double dipped
[ ] skinny dipped
[x] went to a sleepover
[ ] went to camp
[x] threw a suprise party
[x] laughed till I cried
[ ] laughed till I peed my pants
[x] flirted shamelessly
[ ] visited a foreign country
[x] visited a foreign state province
[x] cooked a disastrous meal
[x] lost something important to me
[x] got a gift I love
[x] realized something new about myself
[x] went on a diet
[ ] tried to gain weight
[ ] dyed my hair
[ ] came close to losing my life
[ ] someone close to me died
[x] went to a wild party
[x] drank alcohol
[x] drank alcohol underage
[ ] got drunk
[ ] got arrested
[x] read a great book
[x] saw a great movie
[ ] saw a movie so scary that it made me cry
[x] saw a favorite band live
[x] did something that I want to tell everyone
[x] experienced something new
[x] made new friends
[x] found out who your real friends are
[x] lied to your parents
[ ] snuck out
[ ] got in trouble with police
[x] kissed in a pool
[x] kissed under the stars
[ ] smoked for the first time
[ ] did illegal drugs for the first time
[ ] got wasted
[x] went to a party
[x] had the time of your life
[x] danced
[ ] fell out of love
[x] had a crush on someone
[ ] changed your sexual preferance
[x] swam in a pool
[x] made a snowman
[ ] went snowboaring
[ ] went sledding
[x] slept in past 2 pm
[x] held someones hand that you care about
[x] had a fling or relationship with someone
[ ] got wasted in a public place
[ ] got wasted in Mexico
[x] told someone you like them as more than a friend
[x] gone on vacation
[ ] gone on vacation with a friend
[x] driven a car
[ ] played strip poker
[x] danced in the rain
[ ] got in a car accident
[ ] seen someone get in a car accident
[ ] got in a fist fight
[x] laughed until you couldn't breathe
[x] had an amazing year
[x] missed someone
[ ] sent someone to the hospital
[ ] got a new pet
[x] enjoyed this year overall

Sitting in Yearbook.

Doing bugger all for the last ten minutes. It's exciting. Really and truly.

Ho hum.

Work tonight. Should work on my English ISU outline before I leave... And my french speech. Le crap. Don't precisely know how I'll have time because I have to shower and potentially wash my work shirt before I go.. But will it be dry for when I leave?

*le decisions*

Yeah, so bored. Really is my point...

...

...

..

.

..

...

...

..

.

Kay done now.

....

Profanity.

Finally copying some of my music to this computer. Taking insane amounts of time. (Well, 5 minutes. But still)

Long-ish day.

Had a dark room period. Like how my picture turned out.

English was all Hamlet-y.

French I fell asleep during the Ottawa U immersion french presentation. Oops.

Yearbook = *shoots self in head* We're never getting this spread done on... time. Shit. I just realized that I needed to write my article tonight.

Which brings me to my after school activities for today:

Stud. Co: Talked to Ms. H about slowing down, she totally understood but now I just need to talk to Byron. Blech. Oh well... Meeting was fast-ish and somewhat worth the while of staying.

Drove Matthew home and got the movie he wanted me to return for him.

Went to drop it off at the store and see that they are drowning in tasks for tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the 360 release. We haven't received out copies of the system to sell OR to rent. Fuck me. Fuck us. We WILL have angry customers if they aren't here by 10 am tomorrow.

We also have the President of Rogers coming to do a store visit tomorrow.

Needless to say Anna/Jess/Josh were all 100% frazzled.

I locked and store stickered some rental product and then had to go pick up mum from school.

We then went home and I decided that I needed to call the store to see if they wanted me to come in. I might have school stuff, which while mega important, they did NOT have enough hands on today.

So I talked to Josh and he was extremely grateful.

I worked on the candy section, priced it all properly. Put out some new games for tomorrow. Did returns. Fixed the library. Fun stuff.

It was bad cause Jess was feeling really sick and they still have to close.

And get all of this weeks releases out.

And get all the MAJOR returns we had left done.

Heh, Jess went and opened the doors and about fifty movies spilled out over the top. She started to laugh because it was all she could do to keep from crying.

But its nights like this that are fun in their insanity.

They were all beyond grateful. Anna gave me a free pass to see Chicken Little. That made me happy, heh. Don't know if I'll end up being able to use it. But still, its the thought there that counts.

Man... I'm just exhausted.

Josh ordered pizza for us though. Heh. Sooo good...

... Yeah I babble. I should really be in bed.

BNL tomorrow.

Dentist appointment at 5. And I have to meet the people at 5:30. I laugh. Because its going to be impossible to get there on time. They want to eat. And Dave has my ticket.

And of course I can't get in touch with him.

*bangs head against something very, very hard*

The only reason I'm still up is that I'm holding on to the slight hope that he'll show up so that I can attempt to figure this out.

I knew from the start that it was a bad idea for me to be going to this concert. I shouldnt do stuff downtown in the middle of the week. Where Rogers is is hard enough on my sleeping patterns....

There once was a girl who claimed to love to write.

Her life's ambition was to set enough words down on paper, in a coherent enough order, that someone might find, bind and place on a shelf, a price sticker adorning the front (or back, spine, front flap)

She wanted to touch someone, even just one, with a story that only she could tell. The one that was about anything, but something.

This girl was a fraud.

Oh sure, sometime's what would fall from pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard to word document) might have some sort of sense. Maybe someone would read it and say, "Wow. I know exactly where you were coming from", or "I can't believe that someone could write something like that.."

But how frequent would these words come?

Could she and did she ever stick with a story, an idea, a scrap of inspiration long enough to see it to fruition?

When was the last time that she felt strong enough for a piece of writing that she even allowed another to glimpse it?

When, even, was the last time that something halfway creative was freed from the interior of her mind, to direct the pen (or fingers) and formulate a jumble of sentences, paragraphs, to be strung together into something that someone could read, could understand.

The answer, consistently silence, was more than enough to be a deterrent to her muse.

For who could be confident in their own abilities when it had been such a long span of time between brilliance, or even anything sub par.

Drought.

Emptiness.

Paper going unfilled by words.

Pens full of ink, gathering dust on a desk. Stuffed in a purple pencil case, surrounded by those less favoured, used to scribble out notes on Sentence Structure and never being able to apply such rules in a creative format.

Force cannot be applied, for even more crap would ensue.

Challenges are feared.

November brings NaNoWriMo... Again. Dear god, she is such a fool to reactivate an account that will lie dormant.

The account that will benefit from no text, no words.

Tumbleweeds blowing through, whirlwinds of dust...

Until maybe, just maybe... An image might focus, center in on an idea. Something long forgotten, or maybe a new idea... Never before explored.

And then there will be hope. Because then her dreams might come true.

Maybe she will write something that she doesn't hide in shame the following day.

Perhaps she won't be as much a disappointment to herself as she thought.

Perhaps she will be all that she needs herself to be, and if she's lucky, a little bit more.

It's been a very good birthday.

Got to sleep in until 11:30. That was so nice... A good ten hours of sleep after my big long reflective entry of last night. That isnt even as complete as I would like it to be, because I didnt really reflect as much as I wanted to on people... Though I might make an entry of shout-outs at some point. *Shrug* Though that would involve thought and time... Heh.

Anyway.

So I showered and freaked out, because, well, I was meeting mencc1701 today. Heh...

Got a call from Dad and Gail, both wishing me a happy birthday. Got a Row singing the Happy Birthday song by the Worms in my journal, which rocked my socks.

Got a call from Dina right when I was about to leave wishing me a happy birthday and good luck on my excursion today. I <3 Dina, she rocks so much. She's just such a genuine person.

On the way to Rosemary's, Dave called to attempt to coordinate our meeting spot at last. We settled on Chapters in Rideau and left it at that.

And then we headed into the traffic of people and cars that was downtown Ottawa. Honestly it was insanity. Not cool. Everyone and their cousin was out in the Byward Market or in the Rideau Centre today.

Anyway, we finally found parking near the Chapters and wandered over.

Mum and Rosemary led the way as I dawdled, trying to be distracted by sales of random books. (Though I found an audio book for a Louise Rennison book for 10$ which made my day. Not that I bought it of course)

Then I saw a rather Dave shaped creature looking at a table display. So I went and tapped him on the shoulder and thus the meeting commenced.

It was just... surreal to be talking to him without a computer in between. A great experience to be sure... I'm still smiling from it.

We wandered through the mall for awhile and then got Iced Caps and just sat and talked.

It was just... really good. And that's all I can think of to say right now, because my mind is just in :D stage.

Started to dislike my cell from the number of times that mum saw fit to call it, though she was good and didnt keep me on some figurative leash. Heh. That would have not been very cool.

Introduced Dave to Mum and Rosemary at the end, they went off to wait for me elsewhere...

...And then we hugged.

And I can say for damn sure that its better then any asterix hug can ever be...

Yeah okay, I'm done now.

Happy Birthday stephthemedic!

Yeah so I'm having a good day.

First I stayed up until 2 talking to a really great guy (maybe I've mentioned him?). And this can technically be counted as today since, well, it was after midnight thus making it today. *nods*

And then I get a call from Riley wanting to know if I'd be interested in helping out at the Grade 9 bbq on Wednesday and possibly being on Studen'ts council this year like I wanted to in the first place.

Well :D

Heh. Hopefully that works out.

In other news I work again tonight at 5. Closing AGAIN. I'm starting to regret wanting to be trained to close.

Oh well. It'll be fine.

Though I think I'm semi solo tonight. Dear god I am frightened.

Anyhoo. I'm off to get ready for work and grin. (Because good people and good... nevermind do that to a person)

**Good nevermind isnt what you all might think.

Well I was sitting here, having a Stephen Speaks-athon and looking at my music on iTunes when I realized.

I dont have my Something Corporate songs loaded in to iTunes.

See this is the thing I hate, I had it load in my library, and it didnt load the entire thing in.

I was wondering the other day why I never hear any of my SoCo faves.

Now I know.

*kicks iTunes*

By the way: Stephen Speaks rocks. Make me send you some or be your own pirate and download it yourself. He rocks.

"Out Of My League" is like, their best. And I think the other one was "Complete" that I absolutely loved. "Passenger Seat" is really good too. I have the acoustic of it :D

Woo acoustic.

My folk fest squee is coming for any curious.

I promise.

Right now I have to work on my Wireless training for work. Ugh, so dull.

Well this module is anyway. There was an interactive one the other day that I particularly enjoyed. Hahaha. It's so cheesy the dialogue they write for the "prospective customers"

Oh well.

I really feel like I need to access my old hard drives from the old computers, but I dont know how to connect them to the new computers...

And I really dont have the money to do it.

I feel like there's so much of my old writing that I dont have lost on those pieces of equipment... And I really... feel like I need them right now because I'm floundering.

I havent written anything for months.

Nothing.

Not anything decent. A lot of poor attempts. I've scrapped everything I've attempted to write.

I can't find my blue notebook from Kimonos...

I feel naked. I NEED my stuff. I am not functioning without it.

I've just... I've lost whatever it is that I had.

Maybe I never had it.

That spark. That need. That urge to write. That ability to have something fall from my brain, to my hands on a keyboard or to flow through my pen and have myself like it. To have other people like it.

I'm jealous of my best friend, because she doesnt necessarily aspire to write and yet she cant seem to stop. She's written one novel already, is working on a second AND has a second novel as a side project.

And I have nothing.

I have that shitty NaNoWriMo thing I started last fall, and yet I can't find it anywhere. Because for one its saved on the other hard drive (s) and I've lost the hard copy that I have.

I'm just..

Maybe this is a sign. That I suck..

Maybe its just a sudden need to find it. Find it now and soon because I dont know what I'm going to do if I can't find it.

I need to write.

Badly.

I just... Need to because if I dont.. Then what am I supposed to do? I'm losing touch with a lot of things... I'm just... so panicked all the time... And I just... I need to get it back.

I need that feeling back.

The feeling that I CAN write.

The feeling that I'm good at it. Good at something.

Good at anything even.

Fuck I'm dying here. I swear to god I've basically just realized that I'm losing it, slowly but surely.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

EDIT: Okay, I found my NaNoWriMo. I'm less needing to solve problems with a chainsaw, and yet I still cant breathe. FANbloodytastic.

There's really no point in my making a Firefly series ramble here in my LJ considering I only know one person on my Flist who watches it, and I've already blithered at him about all/most of my show-related... things.

Anyway. So bottom line is the four-disc set is in my possession. :D

Other new things...

Had my last planned day of companioning Katryna. It was... I dunno it was strange. She was watching How High when I got there. I couldnt take more than 20 minutes of it before I was like, sorry, I'm going to read.

But thats fine. We baked cookies and we dealt with mail stuff to do with her brother. Dull and headache-inducing but whatever.

Ended up having to prolong my stay there with mum and Rosemary chatting.

Then went to Wal-Mart to get black shoes for work.

... Oh my I start tomorrow dont I? X.x

Hmm..

Nothing else really terribly exciting... not that any of that was, but meh.

Filming yesterday went pretty good. We got everything that we could get done without Riley so thats a plus.

And we got to go swimming for awhile too. :D

Today brings more filming (hopefully) if Riley can actually come. Otherwise its gathering up pieces of exploded Row and Pool Party-ing it up.

...Well the latter will happen anyway, but still. *eyeshift*